In short: Old work friends may go cold after a promotion. Maybe they need something different to feel connected, or your rank has stirred something up in them. You can stay friendly and kind, leave the office gossip alone, and be softer while staying clear. Some people won't like it when you step up, and I would say that's part of the journey.
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Someone asked me this: "I just got promoted and some of my old work friends have gone cold on me.. how do I handle it without becoming someone I'm not?"
It's an unfortunate one, and it just seems to be how human beings work.
Why have my work friends gone cold since I got promoted?
What I've found is that different people need to be communicated to in different ways. Some people are fine with a one or two word answer. Others need you to stop, look at them and smile, and a short answer means "oh my god, what's wrong?" in their map of the world. They probably can't tell you that, but it's a tick box in the mind.
Then there's rank, and here I'm guessing. You've climbed up to the next rung of the ladder, and that might bring up insecurities. Maybe they wanted the job, maybe they didn't want to do the work for it, who knows what's going on in their minds. That part is theirs, and you can't do much about it.
Do I have to be friends with the people I work with?
I'll tell you what I did, and you don't need to follow me. In corporate, around 20 years ago, I was there to do a job, and it was very clear to me that I wasn't at work to make friends. I was friendly, kind, helpful and supportive, and if a real friendship formed, awesome.
One guy in my team became one of my best friends in Australia, and years later we met up in London. You probably won't find the CFO going around trying to be friends with everyone in the company either.
Should I stop joining in the office gossip?
You don't have to join in. When you stop participating in the office gossip, suddenly you're not one of the gossip crew anymore, and I would say it's a good crew to not be part of. They will just whinge and moan, and they all stay where they are.
Gossip can corrode your performance, your mental peace and your enjoyment of the job. You don't need a company email about it. You can just stop.
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Could I be softer and still be clear?
Maybe. It seems like the moment you say you want to be softer in your communication, life gives you experiences that challenge you to be harder, to see if you'll soften up. Then you find out how to soften it and still be clear. It's hard.
You can be a good person and be kind, and still not take part in the gossip, the whinging and the complaining.
Should I find another group?
Don't go looking for another group. Find people who will challenge you and keep you honest, like mentors in your business or in a different business.
High performers want to be measured, and they're doing the next job before they get the title and the promotion. Not everyone wants to show up like that, and that's okay.
What if some people just don't like it when I step up?
Some people won't have an issue with it, and they're genuinely happy for you. A lot of others can't handle it, and some will put you in a box and call you arrogant. I've had that many times.
People always want to support the underdog. The moment they realise you're not the underdog, and you're the same or above them in their mind, a lot of them stop supporting you. I would say it's part of the journey of stepping up and creating more in your life.
Questions People Ask
Why have my work friends gone cold since I got promoted?
Nobody can know for sure. Different people need different things to feel connected, so a short answer can feel like being cut out. Some people have a thing about rank, and once you stop joining the office gossip you're probably no longer part of that crew.
Why do coworkers treat me differently after a promotion?
Maybe because you've climbed up the ladder, and some people see that as you being different from them. Others are genuinely happy for you. Dylan Ayaloo says a lot of people can't handle it, and that it's part of the journey of stepping up.
Do I have to be friends with the people I work with?
In his own corporate career, about 20 years ago, Dylan Ayaloo was clear he wasn't at work to make friends. He was friendly, kind, helpful and supportive, and when a real friendship formed, awesome. He says you don't need to follow what he did.
How do I stop joining in office gossip without being left out?
You will probably be left out of that crew, and Dylan Ayaloo's view is that it's a good crew to not be part of. You don't need to announce it or send a company email. You can just stop.
How can I be softer at work and still be clear?
Soften how you say it and keep the point clear. It's hard, and it seems like the moment you decide to work on being softer, life gives you experiences to shape it.
Come and sit with us
If you'd like to explore this kind of thing live, I hold a free satsang every Friday at 6:30pm inside the free Elevate Community on Skool. You bring the question, we look at it together.. come and be in the room.
Big love, Dylan