How Do I Own My Part in Where I've Ended Up Without Beating Myself Up Over It?

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In short: Having awareness of the pattern doesn't mean I don't fall into it, so I would say the first part is to stop, take a breath and scratch that CD. If it's too late and I'm already sitting in shame, I ask what I really need right now, and I let some days just be a write-off. What I've learned over the years is that the what could have been thing is the gripping, and when I loosen my grip, there's room for some magic.

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Someone asked me this: "How do I own my part in where I've ended up.. without beating myself up over it?"

They told me that once the decision is made, they still struggle with the what could have been narrative in their head.

What does it look like when a plan doesn't go to plan?

You had a plan, but stuff happened. Body, mind, emotion, internally. And it didn't go to the plan that you had.

Once the decision is made, the head goes, right, next part, part two. You have a go at yourself. Then the mind says a thing, and the body goes, okay, now I have to deal with this, I have to hold this.

So I think there you go, you've already got the machine. This goes there, that's wired to that, that's wired to that, that's wired to that. That's how it goes, like a Christmas tree that lights up. It's the same pattern, and you can already see the structure of it.

If I can see the pattern, why do I still fall into it?

Now you have awareness of the pattern, and you know how it plays out. And just because we have awareness of the pattern doesn't mean you don't fall into it.

I woke up one morning and I thought, great, I've had a good amount of sleep. The next thing, I had some news, some stuff, and then it was like, oh, right. Whatever plans I had just got bulldozed. And then, similar actually, I was giving myself a hard time about all the stuff that I'd planned. It had to get done. It had to be done that day.

The only person that says it has to get done now, and today, or yesterday, or the day before, is me. At the end of the day, if it needs to be done on the weekend or next week or whatever, it's going to be okay. So that's the first thing I know for myself, okay, it's going to be all right. And I'm the one doing that to myself.

What do I do first, and what if it's too late?

The first part is to stop. Take a breath, stop. Interrupt that, like, scratch that CD.

The next part of the machine, you already know. The mind is going to give you a hard time. Then your body is going to take it on, and you're going to feel worse. It's just this cycle that we go through.

And sometimes it's too late. I'm already sitting in shame. My head's already giving me a hard time for not doing the thing, and the shame on top of that has made it worse. Now my body's actually carrying that as well.

Take waking up in the morning. I find some mornings I didn't have enough sleep, for whatever reason, I was up at night or whatever. And the answer I know is, I just need to sleep more. But my mind goes, no, no, there's a lot to do today. Doesn't matter if you've not got enough, just get up and start the day. The answer is very clear. I know, logically, shut up, just go back to sleep. Get another one or two hours of sleep. It's going to be okay.

Why do I know what to do and still find myself in the pattern?

What I'm getting at is that a lot of times we know what to do. We know the pattern. We know how to interrupt it. But still we'll find ourselves in the pattern, and that's kind of part of the journey. That's us becoming more skilled at, let's say, dealing with the machine that's running the show.

At each step I think, okay, too late for me to go back to bed, but let me stop giving myself a hard time. Oh, too late, because it's now progressed to the next part. Each stage will have the thing that you can do, let's say.

So sometimes this might be, all right, I'm already sitting in shame, I feel terrible, and physically I feel worse. So what's the thing I really need right now? Let me give myself that. Because I think any more of that just exacerbates the pattern, and the repercussions of that, which generally I have to go and clear. I have to go and clear the deck. So I go back and undo the shame, undo the guilt, undo the this, undo the that, before I can get back. The thing I needed was, let's say, more rest. For you it might be something else.

Is it okay to let a day be a write-off?

I think it's okay to have some days just be a write-off. One day was a bit of a semi write-off for me. I got a few things done, but nowhere near what I'd planned to get done, because the day before I'd agreed with myself, if I got to bed, cool, tomorrow's going to be a productive day, I'm going to smash through all this stuff. And no. Somehow some days it's just like that, and the best thing I can do is not make it worse.

Not making it worse is actually more productive than making it a lot worse and then having to deal with that, I find. So some days just happen to be a write-off. If it's a nice day, sit in the park or go for a walk, or just write it off and enjoy the evening with your loved ones, or whatever the thing is. Then start again tomorrow. Go to sleep, wake up, you've got some energy, you've got another chance. That's a good thing about being alive.

Most of us probably have a good chance that we're going to get up tomorrow, and we get to have another chance. And the thing that is such a big deal probably wouldn't matter anyway. But we make it a big deal. We make it a bigger thing, and then we go through these cycles and we just make it harder and worse.

What happens when I loosen my grip?

I think I've learned, over the years, for me personally, it's all right. It didn't go to plan, it's not the end of the world. And actually, so often when things don't go to plan, if I let go of my grip on how I think it needs to be, it should be like this, it has to be like this.. if I loosen my grip on it and let go, so often it goes off on a tangent, but actually it ends up being beyond what I could have planned or imagined anyway.

And then there's room for some magic, the day to be magical. Or for me to have some, I don't know, random experience. I meet someone and become friends, or I end up going to a new place, or finding out something new, which I wouldn't have if I'd stuck to my plan and it had to be like that.

So I think, what's a learning underneath it? The sooner we learn the lesson that life is trying to show us, the quicker we are freed from the pattern and the repercussions of the pattern. I think that's generally the answer.

Knowing the pattern is one part. Actually making the choices that are going to allow you, me, any one of us, to be free of it, that's different. To live from the awareness of knowing the pattern and being able to choose differently, that's a different path and a different level of growth, that you have had to experience. So it happens.

And I think if the root of it is relax, it's going to be okay. As a matter of fact, it might be more than okay. It might actually turn out to be pretty magical. When I start to loosen my grip and let go of my grip, life tends to start to loosen its grip as well. Like it's just mirroring back, right? So that's what I would say.

What if I can't get to the thing I planned?

If you haven't had the time you put aside, and you didn't make the progress on the thing, fill in whatever goal or task it is, one, it's not the end of the world. And two, probably trying to do it when you're not feeling well isn't going to go very well anyway.

So the best thing to do is, okay, let me park that, and deal with this thing first, that is more urgent right now. And I think the most urgent thing, the highest priority, is always our health. Without it, it's nothing. You can't build anything else on that foundation. So if something is happening with health, then you just have to put everything aside.

The quickest path to getting back to the task is once you're back in your health, emotionally and mentally. You're going to be feeling better, not just motivated but in a place to start producing the work that you want to produce anyway. So it's all a chain reaction, a very known pathway that the mind goes down.

Is the what could have been thing the gripping?

I think the what could have been thing is the gripping. When we hang on to what could have been, we close off what is and could be, because we're hanging on to one version of what it could have been. So we're stuck in the past then.

The thought is, it has to be that way. I've decided it has to be that way, so therefore life, the universe, has to deliver that. Otherwise I'm not happy.

That's something we have control of. Giving yourself a hard time, beating yourself down, guilt, shame, that's always us causing ourselves suffering. And we're slowing down getting back to the task. Spending more time in guilt and shame, causing more suffering to ourselves, is further away from actually getting back to the task.

How do I recognise the part I've played without feeling shame for it?

I think if shame is what is there, and you find yourself at that stage of the pattern, which is shame, then I would say pause and feel the shame fully. Or anger, or resentment, or frustration, or whatever the emotion is. If you find yourself at the stage where you're in the emotion of it, pause and feel it, feel it fully, without jumping into it and drowning yourself in it. Become aware of it.

And then go underneath that. I tell myself, okay, I know this place, and how I got here was step one, step two, step three. Okay, now I'm in shame, let me feel that fully. And underneath that is, it started with me gripping. I had an idea and it had to be that way. That's the thing I'm learning here.

So the part I've played, in this case I would say, is that hanging on, deciding that's how it has to be, and then gripping on as tightly as possible, which then causes all these next parts.

Can I make a different decision?

I think a decision, sometimes, we forget that we can also make a different decision. You decide you're going to do the thing today. Okay, you're not feeling well, so now you decide you're going to rest today, that's fine too. You decide you're going to take a day off because you're tired, and that's okay too.

I got to a point in my afternoon where I knew I'd be delivering satsang that day, and I was like, my energy levels are not great. What's better for me is just to have a nap, and I'm like, yep. I've had enough experiences of showing up without the level of energy I wanted to bring to the session, or the presence, to know that the most productive thing for me to do is what's going to seem the least productive. So in that case I gave myself a half-hour nap, got up, freshened up, and I was able to pay attention.

So sometimes the most productive thing will look like the least productive thing. In the bigger picture, I'm wasting less time in some emotional hole that I've jumped in, like I've dug the hole and I've jumped in myself. So I pull myself out of it and get back to the thing. I'm recovering myself back, basically.

How do I start to see it play out?

You start to see it play out. There'll be certain things the body will say, certain things the mind will say, certain things the emotions will start to feel. Or you might see, like, the pieces of a, I don't know, a chess board game, the pieces are lined up in a certain way, and you're like, hmm, this looks familiar. Okay, let me start to see that. Let me start to make different choices.

But sometimes we're just in step two or three. So sometimes you just have to feel the emotions and then step back and get yourself back out of it.

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Questions People Ask

How do I own my part without beating myself up over it?

The first part is to stop, take a breath and interrupt it, scratch that CD. Each stage of the pattern has something you can do, and when I'm already sitting in shame I ask myself what I really need right now.

If I know the pattern, why do I still fall into it?

Just because we have awareness of the pattern doesn't mean we don't fall into it. A lot of the time we know what to do and we know how to interrupt it, but we still find ourselves in the pattern, and I think that's part of the journey.

Is it okay to let a day be a write-off?

I think it's okay to have some days just be a write-off. The best thing I can do is not make it worse, which is more productive than making it worse and then having to deal with that. You get to start again tomorrow.

What happens when I loosen my grip?

So often when things don't go to plan, if I let go of my grip on how I think it needs to be, it ends up beyond what I could have planned or imagined, and there's room for some magic. When I loosen my grip, life tends to loosen its grip as well, as if it's mirroring me back.

What if I can't get to the thing I planned because of my health?

It's not the end of the world. The highest priority is always our health, and you can't build anything else on that foundation, so I park the task and deal with what is more urgent.

How do I recognise the part I've played without feeling shame?

If shame is what is there, I would pause and feel it fully, without jumping into it and drowning in it, and then go underneath that. Underneath it, for me, it started with gripping, an idea that it had to be that way.

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Big love, Dylan