In short: Our mind takes the bits of information it has about someone new and makes up the rest, so I would say calm down, take a breath, get into your body and see them as they are. Not less, not more. Take it step by step and enjoy the experience. I think trying to force a result is like forcing the petals of a flower open.
Watch the full video above.
Someone asked me this: "I've met someone I'm interested in, but I keep fantasising about our future.. how do I keep it in check so I don't freak him out?"
I'm not a relationship coach, so this is just what I've seen from having the privilege of working with people over these years.
Why does my mind make up a whole future about someone I've only just met?
One of the things our mind does is take the bits of information it has and, for anything else it doesn't know, just make it up. I mean, talking about AI, it does it as well, but our mind does this. And if your mind doesn't, then congratulations, you're very special.
The other thing is that when something new comes into its space, into its awareness, the mind tends to focus on it and obsess on it. I think this is a pattern I've seen over the last 20 years of working with people who are wanting a relationship. Someone comes into their sphere of awareness, they're like, right, there's a person here, and we tend to put all our energy and focus on that person. Then we have some information, and the mind fills up the gaps with the other stuff.
When we do that, it's cute, or adorable, or whatever the word is you want to use. But it's not giving you a chance to get to know the other person, and we're not present, because we've gone off into fantasy land, la la land. At the beginning the mind's just going to be like, everything they do is so wonderful and perfect, and all of that sort of stuff.
What can I do when I've gone off into fantasy land?
Calm down. You don't have to extinguish that, but take a breath, get into your body, get into the present moment and see things as they are. Not less, not more.
The mind will want to make it bigger and more than a lot of times, at least at the beginning. Sometimes later in the relationship, it tries to make them less than. Can't stand them, all that kind of stuff. But at the beginning it's like, oh my God, you're so wonderful.
So just see it as it is. That means enjoy the experience you're having, I would say, and get to know them. Give yourself an opportunity to be present and enjoy the journey of getting to know each other, and exploring the connection and seeing where it goes.
What about red flags?
Sometimes, when we want something really badly, we tend to not just overlook certain things or ignore them. We make it begin better than maybe what it is. And sometimes there might be a blaring red flag, or many red flags.
I'm not saying go in being paranoid. But if you just gloss over it and sugarcoat it and hide from it, that's probably not going to go away either. The opposite is going in paranoid and looking for all the red flags, when actually we all have so-called red and green flags, whatever they are. Then you're not giving yourself a chance to get to know them, and you're not giving them a chance to get to know you and share who they are with you.
So, to see them for who they are, and really get to know them.. we're humans, and as humans we're not perfect, and none of us are done. Unless we're some enlightened being, and I don't think even enlightened people are easy to be with. The more evolved people are hard to be with, and the people who haven't worked are all hard to be with.
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How do I not freak him out?
At the beginning it's like, oh my God, this is so wonderful. I've been wanting a relationship, I've got someone here. Let's just make it happen. And it's like, okay. Cool.
Maybe give it a chance, give it time, and go step by step and not rush. And yeah, you don't want to freak him out. Good. So don't freak him out. Don't be a weirdo. Calm down. Take it step by step.
What if I don't want to lose this person?
I think this works for both men and women. Sometimes when you meet somebody, you're saying, oh my God, it's so amazing, I don't want to lose this person. And that's our work.
They're not your person anyway. Even when we're in a long-term relationship, the other person doesn't belong to you. We come together to experience this thing that we co-create, called a relationship. They don't belong to you, and you don't belong to them.
How do I keep it in check and still keep my heart open?
So I think keeping all of these things in check, kind of keeping a head on the shoulders, so to speak, but also keeping a heart open, and enjoying the experience for what it is. If it aligns and it works out, then amazing, super happy for you. And if it doesn't, then you've had an experience, and maybe you learn some stuff. Most likely you will, either way. And hopefully you'll let yourself enjoy the experience.
What happens if I try to force it to happen?
I think trying to push for a result and force a result is like a flower in nature. When a flower is blossoming open, we see it and think, oh, it might blossom, what colour is it? If you force the petals open, it might just break it and kill it, rather than letting it blossom and giving it the things that would nourish it.
Sunshine and water and, I don't know, whatever nutrients. So in a relationship, what's the thing that's going to feed it and nourish it? Love, for example, and all of these beautiful things we can bring into the dynamic.
If you take your time with it and don't force it to happen faster than it's happening, then it's going to happen anyway. He's probably not there to, I don't know, interview you for a job, unless that was the case. If you don't want to be there, you won't be there. If he doesn't want to be there, he's not going to be there. But you're both there, so you don't have to worry about it. If it's going to happen, it's going to be good, and it's going to happen. So you can relax and enjoy it.
Questions People Ask
How do I keep fantasising about the future in check?
Dylan Ayaloo says you don't have to extinguish it. He suggests taking a breath, getting into your body and the present moment, and seeing things as they are, not less and not more.
Why does my mind make a new person seem so wonderful?
He says the mind fills the gaps with the other stuff. At least at the beginning it makes the person more than they are, and sometimes later it tries to make them less than.
Should I ignore red flags, or look for them?
Dylan Ayaloo says people tend to overlook things when they want something really badly, and there might be a blaring red flag. He says glossing over it probably won't make it go away, and going in paranoid means you're not giving yourself, or them, a chance.
How do I not freak him out?
He says to give it a chance, give it time, and go step by step and not rush. He compares forcing a result to forcing the petals of a flower open, which might break it, and says that if you take your time it's going to happen anyway.
What if I'm scared of losing them?
Dylan Ayaloo says "I don't want to lose this person" is "our work", and that they're not your person anyway. Even in a long-term relationship, he says, the other person doesn't belong to you.
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Big love, Dylan