How Do I Manage My Energy Around Someone I Don't Want to See at an Event I'm Looking Forward To?

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In short: When I think back to any time I've had this, the struggle seems to come because I'm placing my attention on the other person, and as the saying goes, where your focus is, is where your energy flows. So I would say the focus can be, and should be, on you and why you're going, to enjoy it and have some fun. We're suffering because we're putting the focus in the problem, and the actual problem is normally like a tiny percentage.

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Someone asked me this: "My mind keeps spiralling about someone I don't want to see at an event I'm looking forward to.. how do I manage my energy around it?"

Why does one person take up so much of my mind?

What I would say about this is, when I think back to any time I've had this, or something close to this, the struggle or the suffering that I'm experiencing seems to come because I'm placing my attention on this other person, or people. So for you, it's a person.

And because my attention is there, my focus is there. As the saying goes, where your focus is, is where your energy flows. So when I put my focus into that person, then it goes into the situation with them. And then what comes up is how difficult, or not easy, or not pleasant the situation is.

What does my mind do with a problem?

Then the mind goes, okay, this seems like a problem. And the mind, being a problem solving machine, goes, right, let me make some suggestions to try and solve it. So then it begins the cycle of thinking and overthinking, analysing and overanalysing. A lot of times, making the situation bigger, rarely smaller.

Why does an event start to feel like survival mode?

Because the way this thing is wired, it goes, okay, well, if I can deal with the worst thing, the worst case scenario, then I might be okay, as in survival, right? So even though it's not survival, it's an event, it can feel like a subtle version of the survival mechanism showing up. It can feel like it's subtle, but actually it's just like on or off. So then I go into kind of survival mode, and this is where you're talking about fear and worry.

So then over and over, ruminating over it, thinking about it over and over again, playing it out in the mind, looking at all the different angles, the different perspectives that I think I can.

Can I think my way to a different perspective?

But the thing is, I can try and look for a different perspective, but where I am hasn't shifted. So therefore, I'm going to be seeing it the same way, even though I think I'm looking for a different perspective.

What happens when I put the attention back on myself?

So that's all to say, the first thing I said was, my attention is on this person, or people, or situation, in your case a person. So therefore, I find if I take the attention and put it on myself, so in this case, you're going to an event, right? I'm guessing there's going to be other friends, and you're probably going to an event to enjoy it, right? To have fun, perhaps.

And when the focus is on the other person, or the problem, the situation, there is no room for you to enjoy yourself or have fun. But when the focus is back on yourself.. and there is a time and place to be putting ourselves first, and this, I would say, is one of them. So in this case, putting your attention back to yourself and the reason you're going to the event, to enjoy it, to have some fun, brings the focus back to what actually matters. The very reason you're there.

What if I have to deal with them there?

Therefore, it shifts from having to navigate this person, them being there, you having to have a conversation with them, what to say to them, what not to say to them, how to deal with them, which might be just a very small part of the actual experience. It may happen, it might actually not happen, right? Because who knows. Depending on the situation, that person might be avoiding you as well, or wanting to avoid you.

So either way, I'm not saying ignore the situation, but the focus can be, and I would say should be, in my opinion, on you and why you're there, and why you're going to the event, and to enjoy it and to have fun. I'm just using the example that you're giving. For a different example, it'll be something else. But the focus is back to you, and what's actually important, and also what's important to you, and why you're choosing to go to the event.

What if we do end up talking?

In the occasion that you do interface with this person, then there might be a conversation. But probably not required to have any kind of lengthy conversation, or get into any kind of exchange of trying to resolve the situation, because perhaps it's not the time and place. And if the other person wants to have the conversation, it's like you set up a right time to do that, and go back to what you're doing there, why you're there.

Am I saying to ignore the situation?

So it sounds like I'm suggesting.. I don't know if it sounds like this.. but if it sounds like I'm suggesting to just ignore the situation and just continue on, I'm kind of saying that, but actually I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is we're suffering because we're putting the focus in the problem. And most of the time, if 100% of our attention can go in any direction, the actual problem that's there is normally like a tiny percentage.

Like in this instance, you're going to this event, probably got other people there, friends there, there's a whole range of experiences you can have. And a tiny percentage of your focus could go on this thing called the problem. But actually, when we focus on one thing, that one thing becomes the whole focus, our whole experience.

What is actually important?

So I guess what I'm saying is zoom out, look at the bigger picture, but also work out what is important. And the thing that's important, perhaps, is the reason you're going there, in this case an event. So I'm guessing you're there to have fun, to relax, to enjoy yourself. So that's the most important thing you're there for.

Anything else that is business to be dealt with can be dealt with in business hours, so to speak, a different time and place for those kinds of conversations to be had.

Do I have to be polite?

I think also, you don't have to fake politeness if you don't need to be polite. I'm not saying be rude, but sometimes we go overboard trying to be overly polite with things. And actually, sometimes, places, situations, people, at a certain point, doesn't need that anymore. It just needs a very simple, clear communication, or response, or non-response.

What does the queen bee have to do with it?

And again, put the energy into what you are choosing consciously. Put your focus and energy into.. which in this case is the event.

So I think it's a practice of, say differently, it's like a practice of Pratyahara, which is right focus of the mind. And the analogy in the Yoga Sutras is the focus of the mind is like the queen bee. And where the queen bee goes, the colony follows. So where the mind goes, the senses follow. Our emotions and our senses follow.

So it's choosing to direct the mind consciously and focus the mind consciously. And not give the things that don't need the focus.. to not give it the focus, to not give it any. Not feed it any life force, not feed it any focus, attention.

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Questions People Ask

Why does one person take up so much of my mind before an event?

When I think back to any time I've had this, the struggle or the suffering seems to come because I'm placing my attention on the other person. As the saying goes, where your focus is, is where your energy flows, and the mind, being a problem solving machine, begins the cycle of thinking and overthinking.

Why does it feel like survival mode when it's only an event?

The mind goes for the worst case scenario, thinking that if it can deal with that then I might be okay, as in survival. So even though it's only an event, it can feel like a subtle version of the survival mechanism, and this is where the fear and worry come in.

What happens if I put my attention back on myself?

When my focus is on the other person or the problem, there is no room for me to enjoy myself or have fun. Putting my attention back on myself and the reason I'm going to the event, to enjoy it and have some fun, brings the focus back to what actually matters.

What if we end up talking at the event?

There might be a conversation, but probably not a lengthy one, and not an exchange of trying to resolve the situation, because perhaps it's not the time and place. Anything else that is business to be dealt with can be dealt with in business hours, a different time and place for those kinds of conversations.

Am I supposed to ignore the situation?

I'm not saying ignore it. I'm saying the focus can be, and I would say should be, on you and why you're going. We suffer because we put the focus in the problem, which is normally a tiny percentage, and when I focus on one thing, that one thing becomes my whole experience.

Do I have to be polite?

You don't have to fake politeness if you don't need to be polite. Sometimes we go overboard trying to be overly polite with things. At a certain point, a situation just needs very simple, clear communication, or a response, or a non-response.

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Big love, Dylan