How Do I Deal With the Stories My Mind Makes Up While Waiting for Him to Respond?

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In short: The mind is having a conversation, so I would say the essence of the work is being the observer of it. If you don't pay attention, the mind takes a leash, puts it on you and takes you out for a walk, which is why the crux of the work is stepping back into your seat as the observer. When it doesn't have the information, it fills up the blanks, so put your focus on things that nourish you while you wait. Control and love cannot coexist.

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Someone asked me this: "How do I deal with the stories my mind makes up while waiting for him to respond?"

What do I do with what my head makes up while I wait?

So the question then, I'm guessing, is what do you do with the stuff that your head makes up in the meantime while you wait for him to respond? I'm sure you're going to love this answer, because I've never said this before.

It's the essence of the work that we do. It's the essence of what you do in meditation. It's the essence of inner work.

The mind is having a conversation, and here you are as the observer of the mind. You let the mind have that conversation, and you know that the conversation is not completely separate. Because as you put focus into it, even if you're aware of it, the body is going to react. You're going to have emotions. But here you are, observing this conversation happening in the head.

Oh my God. How come? Why? Why not? How? Why is it taking so long? How much? What is it doing? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Does it matter what the story is about?

And whatever the content is, it just happens to be this. It could be anything. Because if it's not this, it will be something else. That will be the next thing that the mind will choose. Because that's what it has been doing all through our life, and it will continue to do that for as long as we have a thing called the mind.

So the mind is doing the predictable thing. There's nothing new. Nothing that's a surprise there. Whether it's this person or another situation, it fills it up with different content. It's acting the same way.

What is the question under the question?

So the real question, I'm guessing, the question under the question, is what do I do with that, and with this relationship that I have to this voice in the head that just keeps saying things, while I'm feeling all of this stuff?

That is the essence of meditation. That is the crux, the core of the work that we do: to step out of that conversation, to jump out of it, because we're immersed in it. And when you're in that conversation, tussling with it, that's why we suffer.

Why can't we quit? Why are they taking so long? Is my email down? No, my email's working. Is their email down? Is the whole internet down? Are all phones down? Phone network is down. Which country? My country? Their country?

The mind will make stuff up. It'll catastrophise. It will take something small and magnify it.

Who is holding the leash?

And it will take a leash, put it on you and take you out for a walk. If you don't pay attention, you become the pet. It becomes the master.

So the crux of the work is to step back into your seat as the observer. You take the leash off, and you come back to sit and observe the mind, and realise, okay, here's what it's doing. And you witness, here's what it's saying. And as a result of that conversation, here's what I'm feeling. And as a result of that, here's what's happening in my body, what sensations I'm feeling in my body. And together, they're all interconnected. It's not separate.

And nothing is new. The structure of it is exactly the same, completely predictable. The mind is making some stuff up. The mind has some commentary about this situation, about this information. It's making stuff up.

What is waiting teaching me?

So it teaches us certain virtues. It teaches us patience. It teaches us what we're putting our focus into.. Pratyahara, right, the right focus of the mind. Because as it says in the Pratyahara practice, what you put your focus on gets magnified. We experience it more, emotionally, physically, and we're giving it our energy. So the learning is to put your energy somewhere more useful, if there's nothing more you can do and you already know that they're going to respond.

What's the question? How do I make them respond quicker? Well, you can't, unless you want to turn out like some freak. So don't. Leave it. There is a time to take certain actions, and there's a time to leave things. Let them manifest, let them materialise. Give them the space and time that's needed.

So that's good. It's teaching you certain things. It's teaching you to be patient. It's teaching you to calm things down. It's teaching you to fill that time up with other useful things, empowering things.

What does my mind do when it doesn't have the information?

Here's another part I would say. When it doesn't have the information, your mind, mine, or our minds, will fill up the blanks. It will basically make stuff up that is convenient to the narrative that it has already been going on about.

So if it has a narrative of "I'm alone", well, then it's going to look, it's going to focus on certain things and find more proof to prove that it is alone. If it has a belief of "I'm not lovable", well, it's going to look for more proof and try and prove that it is not lovable. It's going to make stuff up. It's going to fill up the blanks. It's going to blow things out of proportion.

How do I deal with it without fighting it?

So that's why you want to observe it and pay attention to it. Not get reactive with it, not tussle and grapple and fight it, but start to really become aware, okay, this is my mind. Here's what it does. It struggles with this. And it wants an answer, and it wants it now. It wants this, and it doesn't want that.

Doesn't mean it's easy. But that practice grows us. It grows your patience. It grows your capacity. And therefore, let's say it materialises into a relationship, well, that patience will serve you if you continue to practise it.

Let's say, as an example, you already know it's making things up. Good that you know. Good, so calm down. That's how you deal with it.

What can I do with my time while I wait?

Put your focus on things that are going to nourish you, that are going to make you feel good about yourself, that are going to fill you up with joy, that are going to fill you up with love. Magic in life, right? That's the wonder and magic of life. Children, nature. Do things that you love.

And I'm not saying occupy yourself to just distract yourself. I'm saying be present with this. You can choose to either be still with it, or do things with consciousness, with awareness, so you fill your time, or some of your time, with things that really nourish you while you're waiting.

Is there something powerful about just waiting?

And you know, there's a really powerful thing when we can just wait. Just let it manifest, because you've done your part. You've taken the action that's needed. And it's very normal.

When you have a mind, it is the most normal thing for the mind to do exactly the things that you're talking about: to get impatient, to want to push, to want to control, because it feels out of control. So therefore it wants control. So it's going to try and get control.

Control is the thing that destroys the very thing that we want. Love, let's say. Control and love cannot coexist, unless someone's lying.

Why am I laughing at this?

So, just a few things I've learned about.. I'm laughing because obviously I relate. I've been through it in my life too, and I experienced this stuff. It's easier to laugh at it when you're not in it. So I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at myself when I look back at my life.

It's the most predictable patterns of our minds that we know so well, because it's happened over and over and over again. So life is trying to grow us in a certain way, and until we grow, we'll keep getting that lesson back. So might as well pay attention to it, right? And learn the thing.

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Questions People Ask

How do I deal with the stories my mind makes up while I wait?

The essence of the work is to be the observer of the mind's conversation. Let the mind have that conversation, and know that the body is going to react and you're going to have emotions, but here you are, observing it.

Does it matter what the story is about?

Whatever the content is, it could be anything, because if it's not this it will be something else, and that will be the next thing the mind chooses. It will keep doing that for as long as we have a thing called the mind.

What happens if I don't pay attention to my mind?

The mind will take a leash, put it on you and take you out for a walk. If you don't pay attention, you become the pet and it becomes the master. The crux of the work is to take your seat as the observer and take the leash off.

What does my mind do when it doesn't have the information?

Our minds fill up the blanks and make up whatever is convenient to the narrative they have already been running. If the narrative is "I'm alone" or the belief is "I'm not lovable", the mind goes looking for more proof.

What can I do with my time while I wait?

Put your focus on things that nourish you, that make you feel good about yourself and fill you up with joy and love: children, nature, things you love. I'm not saying occupy yourself just to distract yourself. Be present with it, and you can choose to be still with it or do things with awareness.

Can control and love exist together?

Control is the thing that destroys the very thing we want, love let's say. Control and love cannot coexist, unless someone's lying. It's very normal for the mind to want control, because it feels out of control.

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Big love, Dylan