How Do I Manage Resentment During a Conversation and Afterwards?

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In short: Resentment tends to build when we haven't said the thing, so when I'm feeling a big emotion I've learned to not respond. I practise generally not speaking and listening, and maybe I'd step away and sit with it, then zoom out and ask how much truth there is in what they're saying. The best time to say the thing is when you can express clearly, without being emotive about it.

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Someone asked me this: "How do I manage feelings of resentment towards a person while in the conversation and afterwards?"

I don't know the situation you're talking about, so I'm just trying to give different scenarios. This is just me personally, and I'm not saying you need to follow what I'm saying. It's what I've learned, and I'm still learning it, so I practise it.

What causes me to feel resentment?

I was questioning myself, what causes me to feel resentment? Maybe you might relate.

When we feel out of control, or maybe we haven't actually said the thing, or done the thing, or followed through, we let it kind of slip. Then it's gotten worse, so it's further and further away from what we want. And if I'm not saying it, I'm harbouring it, so this resentment tends to build.

It sounds like the conversation was happening, and maybe it's not new. Maybe it was already there, building up, so suddenly you're feeling the resentment even more.

What do I do when a big emotion comes up in the moment?

I've learned to not respond when I'm feeling a big emotion. A lot of times that emotion needs some space, some time and space for me to feel it fully. When I'm in the emotion, it's not a good time for me to give a response, because I can't think straight. I'm feeling emotions, resentment or anger, whatever it is.

So I practise generally not speaking in that time, and listening, and letting the other person express what they need to express. I do my very best, even though I'm feeling stuff, to really listen and to hear them, without taking on everything.

Then I consider, what am I going to do with the information they're sharing? Because I'm going through emotion in that moment, I might not have the clarity of thought at that time.

What do I do with the emotion once I've stepped away?

So maybe I'd step away after that, and go and sit with it. Sit with the emotions, give it space and let it move through. Actually feel it, without pushing it down, swallowing it or numbing it. When there's some room for the emotion to be processed, there's space for clarity of mind and thinking.

How much truth is there in what they're saying?

Then I sit with the perspective. I zoom out and have some perspective on the thing. How much truth is there in what they're saying? What am I not seeing?

The tendency is to always point the finger first and say, yeah, that's their fault. So I turn the tables around and put myself in their shoes. What am I not seeing about this? What am I missing?

From that perspective, is there anything I need to change? Is there anything I need to take responsibility for? Is there anything I need to apologise for? Is there anything I need to make right, like go and fix?

Because maybe, unknowingly, most of the time that's what happens with us. We're not intentionally trying to harm or hurt or destroy something. But because we're in our pattern, we tend to act in certain ways because we're not aware of it.

What if I need to make something right?

Listening to other people's perspective can be useful, and I'm always coming back to, what are my thoughts on this? What are my values? What's my decision on this? Because I own my decision.

It doesn't mean I always make the right decision. I've made the wrong decisions many times. And if I do, then it's going back and making it right, like fixing it, owning it, taking responsibility, apologising, correcting the behaviour and fixing it. Not just saying sorry and then going back to the behaviour.

Is it because I haven't said certain things?

So that's just me. Sometimes there is my part, and then there is their part.

If I'm resentful, is it because I haven't said certain things, like I haven't expressed certain views or perspectives? Can I bring that into a conversation, and sit and have a conversation with them?

There are times when I choose not to have those conversations, because maybe I don't feel like there is any room, or they wouldn't want to have that conversation at all. Or I try to, and there's no space for it. It's like, okay, that's fine, they can choose not to.

But if there's room for it, and they're willing to hear my side, then generally I'll offer my part.

Why do we end up in conflict at all?

Most of the time it's because I have my map of the world, they have their map of the world, and we think we all see things the same, but we don't. You see your world the way you see it, I see the world the way I see it, but we all think everyone sees it the same way. So we have all of this conflict in life, and it's kind of unnecessary.

And a lot of times it's sad. Sometimes you're the third person, and you can see these two different perspectives, and they're going like head-on collisions. It's sad because it's destroying a relationship, and it's just because two people have two different perspectives. If they would just talk, it would be resolved. So a lot of times it could be that talking just kind of heals it, and resolves it.

When is the best time to say the thing?

Resentment normally is just a build-up because we haven't said the thing. And the best time to say it.. I've said this in a very long way, so let me say it in a different way.

The best time to express the thing we want to express, whether it's resentment or any other emotion, is when you can express clearly, without being emotive about the thing that you're expressing. Because you take information and you put emotion to it, and it comes out in a different way. Remove the reactivity from the emotion.

So you can respond in a way, you can speak, and that can be a conversation. A conversation is two ways. You express, you hear, you listen, they get to respond to the thing, and there's a listening and a hearing.

It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything. You can say, I don't agree with that, and that's cool if we agree that we don't agree with those parts. We can have differing opinions and perspectives. It's like being an ambassador, like negotiation.

Why have the difficult conversation at all?

Most of it comes down to that map of the world. Our maps are different, every single one of us, and that's a good thing. The universe made us unique, and when we bring our differences of views, opinions, experiences and knowledge together, and when it can work together, we become stronger. When we take our differences and we fight each other, then we diminish each other.

So having the conversation is part of the growth. As we grow and expand, there's capacity for us to hold what can seem like a difficult conversation, and after you have it, you're glad that you had the so-called difficult conversation, because those are the healing conversations, if there is room for it.

It comes from you making room for it, and then seeing if they would make room for it. Room for the conversation, for the things we're too scared to say to be said, for listening to happen, for it to be heard, for us to feel what we need to feel and express anything else, and then learn what we need to learn and move forwards from there.

What do I do in the conversation, and afterwards?

In the conversation, I think, I practise breathing and listening and acknowledging the feelings I'm feeling, but really being open and listening.

Then there's the afterwards. Whether you're doing a meditation or not, you can close your eyes, and a lot of times I would just see the person. In a way, like ho'oponopono, I see the person in front of me, and whether I think they're right and I'm wrong, or I'm right and they're wrong, or whatever it is, I'll ask for forgiveness. I see, hear, feel them giving me forgiveness, soul to soul. And then I visualise them asking me for forgiveness, and then receiving it. So a healing is happening.

That means we finish, we give it up. We give up the fight, because we're both hanging on to a certain view, which doesn't match.

So with resentment, when you sit in meditation, it's a really perfect time to do the healing. What's the healing? To feel the feeling, to give it the room that is needed, to do the processing. And sometimes you come out of meditation and you need to journal. Okay, do that. Get it out of your head.

What if I can't respond to everything they say?

They added this: "I had a conversation today, and the more things she was saying were getting more annoying, but I didn't feel it was okay to respond to all of what she was saying."

I think me personally, generally, I tend not to just.. if I need time to go and sit with it and come back later, I do that. And the other thing is, why not do that? It's better to just do that than say the thing and then go, well, I didn't mean that, why did I say that? It's because I was emotional.

If I feel more resentful as someone's talking to me in that moment, I'm feeling big emotions. But when I leave, I'm going to sit with the difficult question of how much of that is true, what that person was saying. If I get really brutally honest with myself, how much of that is true? What part of that is for me to take accountability for?

And as difficult as it would be, then I'm taking the ownership, and going there and having the conversation from a place of taking the accountability for my part. And that's also part of the healing.

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Questions People Ask

What causes resentment to build?

Dylan Ayaloo says that when we feel out of control, or maybe we haven't actually said the thing or done the thing, we let it slip and it gets worse. He says if he's not saying it, he's harbouring it, so resentment tends to build, and maybe it was already there, building up.

Should I respond while I'm in a big emotion?

He says he has learned to not respond when he's feeling a big emotion, because that emotion needs some time and space to be felt fully, and he can't think straight in it. He practises generally not speaking and really listening, and maybe he'd step away and sit with it afterwards, without pushing it down, swallowing it or numbing it.

How much truth is there in what they're saying?

Dylan Ayaloo says to zoom out and ask how much truth there is in what they're saying, and what you're not seeing. The tendency, he says, is to point the finger first, so he turns the tables around, puts himself in their shoes, and asks whether there's anything to change, take responsibility for, apologise for or make right.

When is the best time to say the thing I haven't said?

He says resentment is normally a build-up because we haven't said the thing, and the best time to express it is when you can express clearly, without being emotive about it. He adds that a conversation is two ways, and you don't have to agree with everything.

What can I do afterwards, in meditation?

Dylan Ayaloo describes closing his eyes, seeing the person, asking for forgiveness, feeling them giving it, soul to soul, and then visualising them asking him for forgiveness. He says when you sit in meditation, it's a really perfect time to do the healing: to feel the feeling, give it the room that is needed, and do the processing.

What if I can't respond to everything they say?

He says if he needs time to go and sit with it and come back later, he does that, because it's better than saying the thing and then thinking "why did I say that?" When he leaves, he sits with how much of what they said is true, and takes accountability for his part.

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Big love, Dylan