Around this time of year, with Valentine's Day in the air, a lot of us start thinking about relationships. Maybe intimate ones. Maybe not. But here is the thing I keep coming back to. Whether it is a partner, a friend, or someone you work alongside, the quality of the relationship is only ever as real as the honesty underneath it. And that honesty does not start out there, with them. It starts in here, with you. Notice where you feel that when you read it, because your body tends to know the difference between being seen and being performed to long before your mind catches up.
Every Relationship Is Built On Trust, And Trust Is Built On Truth
For any relationship to exist, it has to rest on something. One of those things is trust. And trust means you are putting your faith in another person based on what you have learned about them.. what they have said, what they have done, what they have shown of themselves.
Which brings us straight to authenticity. Because you can only trust what someone actually reveals. And they can only trust what you actually reveal. A relationship is only ever as real as the truth you are both willing to bring to the table. If either of you is hiding, filtering or performing, then what gets built is not really built on you at all. It is built on a version of you.
So if you want realness in your relationships, it has to start with realness in yourself first.
The Courage To Be Seen Without The Filters
There are plenty of books written on this, and some are very direct about it, like the "fuck it" theory. I have come to feel it is a deeply spiritual topic, more than it first appears. Because "fuck it" does not mean screw them, I do not care. It is the opposite.
It means: because I care about you, because I love you, because I am invested in the long term, I am going to risk showing you the truth of who I am, so that you can see me without the filters. That is what authenticity really is. It is a form of love.
By being authentic you are saying: I care about you enough to tell you the truth of who I am, so that you can respond to the real me. Their ability to respond is only ever based on the honesty you bring. Offer a filtered version, and they can only ever relate to a filtered version.
Being real does not mean they will like it. Sometimes it rubs people up the wrong way, and that is fine. Being authentic is the opposite of pleasing, and pleasing is not the goal. You would rather risk not being liked in the short term than settle for something shallow when a deeper, longer love is possible.
Enjoying this? Get my latest sent straight to your inbox.
No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.
Take The Lead, Because It Always Comes Back To You
If you want someone else to be real, you go first. Take the lead in your own life, and you can lead in the relationship too. It does not matter whether it is masculine or feminine. It is a dance, like a tango. One leads, the other follows, and it can move between you. But someone has to have the courage to lead with honesty first.
Here is why this matters so much. A relationship magnifies whatever is already going on within you. If there is love, it magnifies love. If there is honesty, it magnifies honesty. If there is support or camaraderie, it magnifies that too. The reason we come into relationship at all is that by sharing what we feel, we get to relive it, and they get to live it with us.
So when the people around you are real with you, take it as a reflection. It may be a sign that you are finally being real with yourself.
Sometimes we want others to accept us before we have accepted ourselves. And a lot of the time, that just does not go well.
Start by embracing your own qualities first. Who are you? What are your values, your thoughts, your feelings, the stand you take in this life? Love yourself first, before you ask anyone else to love or accept what you present them.
Heal The Pleaser, Do Not Fight It
The opposite of being authentic is being the pleaser. So the second piece of this is to look honestly at where the pleaser is showing up in your life. Because where the pleaser is, you cannot be authentic. In my experience you are either being real or you are pleasing. You cannot do both at once.
For a while, part of my own journey was fighting everything, including myself. I do not believe in that anymore. There is enough fight in the world already, and the fight outside always starts with the fight inside, so I think we get to a more peaceful world by first putting down the fight within.
The pleaser does not need to be destroyed or gotten rid of. If anything, the pleaser wants love. That is the whole reason it is doing the pleasing in the first place. So go in and love your pleaser. Give it so much love that it is overflowing, so it does not need to please anymore.
A mentor of mine once said something that stopped me in my tracks. He said pleasing someone is manipulating them to like you. When I first heard it I thought, that is the opposite of what I am trying to do. And that is exactly the point. The pattern of the pleaser is trying to manipulate someone into giving you the love, the acceptance, the approval you are hoping for. It rarely works, and it costs you your realness. Nothing heals better than the energy of love, so love the pleaser and let it stop running your life.
Get Clear On What You Actually Want, And Who Belongs In Your Circles
The third piece is to get really clear on your intentions. What kind of relationships do you actually want? What frequency, what quality? And what are they based on.. honesty, truth, authenticity? Once you are clear on that, you get to choose who belongs where.
Picture some imaginary circles around you. Some people are close, in your inner circles, the ones you can be completely real with and completely trust. Some people, over time, get gently moved to the outer circles. And some people are not in any circle at all. That does not mean you hate them, or that they are horrible people. It is simply boundaries, and boundaries come from self-love.
Self-love can sound like arrogance to some people, but they are very different. Arrogance is nothing like choosing, from a place of self-worth, who you keep close. You do not need to go and fire your friends today. This happens over time. But as you get real with yourself, you naturally start requiring realness back from the people around you.
So that is the message on attracting authentic relationships. Embrace who you are and what is important to you. Heal the pleaser with love, not war. Get clear on your intentions, and choose your circles with self-worth. It all comes back to being your true self, and being courageous enough to show it. Because the people worth having close will only ever be able to meet the real you.
Big love.