In short: Maybe neither. If the same comment keeps coming from people who aren't connected to each other, or it lands with an emotional charge, that's worth a look.. not because they're right, but because the reaction is information. The real work is getting underneath the story to the actual need, and asking whether there's a healthier way to meet it that still lets you be in the room.
Someone asked me this in a recent satsang, and I think it's worth sitting with.
She'd been told, by people who don't really know her, that she's stubborn and inflexible. Because she prioritises her sleep and her own self-care over going along with what the group wants to do.
So.. is she? Or is she just listening to what she actually needs?
Here's how I think about it. If something keeps showing up in my life, from people or situations that aren't even connected to each other, I've learned there's probably something there. Because in all those unconnected situations, I'm the common denominator. How you do one thing is how you do everything, as we say. So if a theme keeps repeating, that's a clue to look into. Not to analyse to death. Just to zoom out and notice.
The other clue, for me, is emotional charge. If someone says something and I feel annoyed, or pissed off, or I'm pushing against it.. that's usually worth a look too. Not because they're right. But because something in me reacted, and that reaction is information.
So with this one, I'd say the question isn't "am I stubborn," it's "am I happy being received that way." Not because it has to matter how people see you. But because it matters how you see yourself. If someone calls me inflexible, and depends on the context, maybe I am in that moment.. that wasn't always something I could just shrug off. I had to practice standing in what's true for me, even knowing some people will read that as stubborn.
Told on myself too, in this one. I have a tendency to overgive. To go too far the other way, actually, and please people at my own expense. And I've had to reel that back in, because I always pay for it later. In my energy, my vitality, or just not feeling good about myself because I put myself out and got taken advantage of.
So for me personally, I've found that when I want to be flexible, I can be. Not always convenient. But there've been times I've chosen to do the group thing, knowing we'd start early and get back late, and just found a different time to rest instead. A nap after the hike. Sleep on the way there. I got the best of both. Took care of myself and still got to be in the memory that got made.
And other times I've said, you guys go, I'll catch you after. That's fine too.
I think there's a real discretion in it. Am I compromising something that actually matters, like my sleep, my health? Don't compromise that. But is there a different way to meet that need that still lets me be in the room? Sometimes we tell ourselves a story.. I'll be exhausted if I do this extra thing.. and then regret not doing it, because of what got missed.
That's the real work here, I think. Not "am I stubborn or not." It's getting underneath the story to the actual need that's wanting to be met. And asking whether there's a healthier way to meet it. Sometimes that means making a different choice. Sometimes it means making the same choice, but finding a way to still get the need met alongside it.
Life keeps handing us these situations on purpose, I think. The moment you decide you're going to be great with boundaries, you'll get ten chances to practice holding one. That's not a punishment. That's just how it teaches.
I hope that makes sense.
Watch the full satsang above.
If you'd like to explore this kind of thing live, I hold a free satsang every Friday at 6:30pm inside the Elevate Community.. come join us if you'd like to be in the room. And if you want a structured place to start looking at your own patterns, the free 7-Day Inner Work Challenge is a gentle way in.
Big love, Dylan
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Questions People Ask
How do I know if I'm being stubborn or just looking after myself?
I'd look at two clues. First, does the same feedback keep showing up from people and situations that aren't connected? If so, I'm the common denominator, and it's worth a look. Second, is there an emotional charge when someone says it? That reaction is information. Neither clue means they're right. They're just places to zoom out and notice.
Is it selfish to put my sleep and self-care before the group?
Not if you're protecting something that actually matters. If it's your sleep or your health, I'd say don't compromise that. But it's worth asking whether there's a different way to meet the need that still lets you be in the room.. a nap after the hike, sleep on the way there. Sometimes you get the best of both.
Why do I keep getting tested on the same boundary?
I think life hands us these situations on purpose. The moment you decide you're going to be great with boundaries, you'll get ten chances to practise holding one. That's not a punishment. It's just how it teaches.