How Honest Should I Be With the People I Love?

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In short: What you are perhaps calling honesty, I would say, is a certain level of directness, so being direct is one part, but also how much truth you bring to it. Does telling the truth destroy relationships? Potentially. I believe that honesty is the best policy, and it can also be balanced with discernment, based on what that person can receive in that moment. When it comes to receiving, I've learned to let the other person say what they need to say, and stay in my centre.

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Someone asked me this: "Is there a certain level of honesty you should bring to conversations? Sometimes not bringing all of your stuff, to protect the feelings of your loved ones, can that also change or destroy relationships?"

Does telling the truth destroy relationships?

From my experience of living the years I've been around, and also facilitating this work, what you are perhaps calling honesty, in your map of the world, your mind calls it honesty. I would say it's a certain level of directness. So being direct is one part, but also how much truth you bring to it, and the truth being delivered with a certain level of directness.

So does telling the truth destroy relationships? Potentially. And this is where I think a certain level of calibration and discernment is needed, and it's a skill that can be developed in our communication.

What happens when I speak the truth from a closed heart?

If you look at the chakra system, for example, throat chakra, truth speaking. If my heart centre is kind of closed or I'm blocked off, and I'm just speaking what I think, rather than it being balanced with heart energy.

Some people, at certain times in their lives, need things to be a little bit softer.

What has honesty taught me over the years?

Here's what I've learned over the years, and obviously I'm a work in progress, and I'm still learning as life teaches me every day. I've been in situations, in times in my life, where I thought, okay, I just need to be honest and say the thing. And I believe that honesty is the best policy. Yes, I agree with that.

My addition to that, from my learnings over the years, is that honesty can also be balanced with discernment and a level of calibration, based on what that person can receive in that moment. I'm obviously guessing, based on how much I know them and the situation, so that takes a certain level of skill. I say skill because a skill can be learnt. We can all learn it, I believe, and it comes from the more we communicate, the more we connect.

Is there a time and place for the truth?

It might be that there's much more connection with this person, and maybe trust, and maybe we also have an agreement that we'll just be much more honest with each other. So therefore I'd like to just be able to say things, and there will be a time and place for that, where perhaps they can receive that. But there might be a time when they might not be able to receive that. Maybe they've just gone through something really difficult that day, or they feel quite raw, maybe something challenging has happened.

And sometimes we don't know that. We don't have that information. So if I know that, then on the scale of directness, and also how it's communicated, I always believe in communicating the truth.

What if I deliver it little by little?

But also sometimes some of it is delivered, and then over time, more and more, it's just broken down into smaller pieces and delivered little by little over time, because it feels like that's what they can handle. A lot of times you can ask them, and they'll say, yeah I can, just give it to me raw and real. And that doesn't always mean that they're ready for it. What people say, and what they're feeling, and what they mean, and hoping you would read, can vary.

So I'm learning a level of calibration, and obviously I'm guessing. Sometimes I'll say a level of it, a certain amount of that information, and then deliver the rest of it over time, when the conversation is opened. We've opened a line of communication on that topic, and as we come back and keep revisiting the topic, I can share a little bit more, and a little bit more.

Why is the truth so hard to hear?

If someone was to communicate it to me, it's almost never easy to hear stuff when people give you input or feedback or the truth. We want it, but it's hard to hear it. Feedback, like we practise in our programmes, is hard to give and it's hard to receive.

That's why, in what we do, there's a framework, a formula around it. And even then, it's really wrapped up in kindness and compassion and as much love as we can bring, but also being clear and direct, and that's with permission.

What do I mean by turning it up or down?

When we are communicating this, what I mean by the calibration is turning it up or down based on the situation, where the person is and how ready they might be to hear it, and also how much permission I have to share that.

Do I say it just as it is with everyone?

I think people come to me, and this work, generally because I'm the guy that just says things. I'll just say it as it is. But you'll find that I don't always just say things. I don't always just throw it at them, because it doesn't feel like it's the right time, or not all of it right now. Start the conversation, and then other times someone is actually ready, or sometimes they just need to hear.

In this role, I'm there to tell them, to share with them, to be a mirror, and in other dynamics in my life I don't do that. I don't do that in friendships. These are people who will ask me for feedback, they want the input, and even then I'm very, very gently, softly, slowly, dribs and drabs, little by little when I deliver it, because that's not the agreement.

So that's just what I've learned, in my role as facilitator. When I'm with my friends or family members or whatever, we're equals.

What do I do when someone is delivering the truth to me?

Now the other way. Someone is delivering it to you, and maybe they have a belief system of, I'm all about the truth, and I just say things as it is, because I'm that person that calls it out. Okay, cool. But sometimes the thing they need to work on is that calibration that I was talking about.

When it comes to receiving, I've learned to let the other person say what they need to say, and stay in my centre, and keep my heart open and my ears open, and also my discernment as well. For me personally, it's to really hear them. Because sometimes what they're saying is exactly what they mean. Other times, what they're saying, there's meaning underneath it, more emotion than just the words. The listening is on all these different levels, to really let them express what they need to express.

I find most of the time, just creating a space for them to speak what they need to say is already most of the healing. Perhaps something needs to be healed, because they feel the need to express something. So just giving them the space to express seems to generally resolve whatever the thing is, because clearly there's something for them to share. And then also, not everything they say is exactly what it is, so there's my own discernment, and what I do with the information, and also whether I respond.

What do I do when it triggers something in me?

Another thing I've learned as well is, if it brings up some emotion in me straight away, which people will call, oh, I'm triggered, it's a good phrase that's thrown around a lot, then for me that's a sign that, okay, maybe there's some emotion, this emotional charge, like a spark, some energy there. What is that?

In that moment I'm observing myself, and this is where the practices that we do really help, and the work that we do really helps, I believe. I can hear them. There's room, there's space for me to hear what they want to share and what they have to share. And for me to sit with that information, and choose in that moment whether I want to respond or not.

Normally I don't respond straight away, because it gives me time to sit with, okay, where does that land for me? Emotionally, energetically. And also then, sometimes, think through, okay, what part in that is for me to work on, for me to take ownership, accountability, responsibility? Is there something for me to apologise for? Is there something for me to fix? Was it what they need just to be heard or seen? And just letting them express.

Is conflict an opportunity?

If and when conflict happens, I've learned that the conflict is an opportunity. What we see as conflict is an opportunity for the healing to happen, and most of the time we just don't let it happen. Ideally we don't want it to get to conflict.

If they're speaking in a certain way, and they're calling it the truth, and it's probably delivered with a certain kind of emotion or energy in the words, then I've learned over time to stay in my centre, keep my heart open, and my listening, and be with them, be present, even if it's really difficult to hear, which a lot of times it will be.

What if some of it is true and some of it is their perception?

Maybe there is some truth in some of the things they're saying, and maybe there is some stuff that is not true, that it's just a confusion or a perception, their mind made it up. But that moment is probably not a good moment for me to turn around and say your mind's made that up, unless I wanted the energy to rise even more.

Even if they believe everything they're saying is the truth, a lot of times part of it might be true. And another part of it might just be their perception, what their mind came up with based on what information it has. A lot of times it might be their growth, their learning, to learn how to communicate that in a kinder way, or a gentler way, or a more loving way. And it really takes skill, as in something we can practise and learn, to deliver the truth, to speak the truth, in what gradient of intensity that it is shared.

Can honesty destroy or change a relationship?

Can honesty also destroy or change relationships? Yeah, sometimes it can. Sometimes we go into a conversation all guns blazing, and we didn't mean to throw a bomb in it and destroy it. And truth, especially if it's building up for a long time, can be a bomb. Stuff has been building up for a long time, suddenly it tips over, and then, boom, you just bring it in there and throw it on them.

And sometimes years of stuff can take a little bit longer, and maybe needs a bit longer to process, to release the pressure, like a pressure cooker, to heal, to shift.

Does it matter how much inner work someone has done?

Just because someone's doing work on themselves, I think that is a little bit better than if maybe they're not. But I know people in my life that haven't done any inner work, as far as I know, and sometimes they are more enlightened than the ones that are doing work on themselves. So if someone's doing yoga, does it mean they're healthier? Maybe. Hopefully. But also it depends what they're doing. They can turn up to class, do nothing, and then call it yoga.

So does it matter how much work they're doing on themselves? If they're honestly working on themselves, then it will help. There's just a lot of people not actually doing anything and calling it work. So yeah, it should generally help.

Inner work is facing your own stuff. If someone is in the practice of facing this stuff, and taking responsibility, and healing things that need to be healed, as in fixing stuff, that is their responsibility, making the change, then they might have more capacity to come into a conversation where truth is being spoken, and to be able to hold what's given to them, and to be able to do something with it.

And if someone hasn't practised enough of that, or life hasn't given enough experience on that, they won't be able to hold it. They'll normally just want to throw it back at you, or just throw it away, or shut down and not do anything with it.

So if they're actually working on themselves, as in what I just defined, then it should help. It's hard work, but the results are exponential. The result is that their capacity to hold a certain level of honesty in a conversation is greater, because they have practised facing their stuff. Because when someone gives you truth, there might be some truth there to face, and to do something with.

So yeah, potentially.

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Questions People Ask

How honest should I be with the people I love?

What we call honesty is, I would say, a certain level of directness, and that being direct is one part, but also how much truth you bring to it. I believe honesty is the best policy, and that it can also be balanced with discernment, based on what that person can receive in that moment.

Can telling the truth destroy a relationship?

Potentially, and a certain level of discernment is needed, which is a skill that can be developed in our communication. Sometimes we go into a conversation all guns blazing, and we didn't mean to throw a bomb in it and destroy it.

What do I mean by turning it up or down?

It's turning it up or down based on the situation, where the person is, how ready they might be to hear it, and how much permission I have to share it.

What if they say, give it to me raw and real?

A lot of times you can ask them and they'll say yeah, give it to me raw and real, and that doesn't always mean they're ready for it. What people say, what they're feeling and what they mean can vary, so I sometimes share a certain amount and deliver the rest over time, when the conversation is opened.

What do I do when someone is delivering the truth to me?

I've learned to let the other person say what they need to say, stay in my centre, and keep my heart open and my ears open, along with my discernment. Just creating a space for them to speak is already most of the healing, and if it triggers something in me, I sit with it and choose in that moment whether I want to respond.

Does it matter how much inner work someone has done?

If someone is honestly working on themselves, facing their own stuff and taking responsibility, they might have more capacity to hold what's given to them and do something with it. It's hard work, but the results are exponential, so yeah, potentially.

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Big love, Dylan